Rachael of "The Chronicles of Abigail"

Well my midwife is currently on vacation, so I guess it's best that baby still doesn't seem ready to be borned. I've given up trying to induce labor on my own and will just pass the time till Monday--when my midwife gets back into town--by kicking back and enjoying some more guest bloggage.
 
Today we get to hear from my friend Rachael. We've known each other for over a decade now, which makes me feel super old. Between rainbow sprinkles in our spaghetti and accidentally murdering a couple potted plants, road-tripping to the Grand Canyon and Niagara Falls (on two separate occasions, mind you, not all at once), weddings and grad school and babies (not necessarily in that order) and now living across the country from one another, we've always kept in touch, and I'm so glad. 

This woman is fantastic and is frequently my go-to girl for parenting questions. Conveniently for you, she's sharing some great advice with us today. You can read more of Rachael's thoughts at The Chronicles of Abigail.

My first baby was born at the end of my first year of graduate school.  I was twenty-one and naively convinced that all the wonderful things my baby did on her own were solely due to my own prowess as a parent (it only took my second child a week to set me straight on that one).

My first little baby is eight years old now, and my fifth baby will be born any day.  I still have many, many lessons to learn as a parent, but I've picked up a few gems along the way that have changed the way I approach mothering and made my life more meaningful, joyful, and less stressful.  These are things I wish I'd known earlier--perhaps some of these you already know, perhaps some will be new to you, but I hope you'll find something here that makes a real difference for you.

1) Routines are key.  I once read that a two-year-old's love of routine is comparable only to that of an English butler, and I'd have to say that my little Luke could give Downton Abbey's Carson a run for his money.  Children truly thrive on predictable routines.  Sleep is a key one here, especially for babies and toddlers.  And don't underestimate the importance of a routine for yourself--motherhood is often so chaotic that implementing your own personal routines can help you to shape the chaos into some semblance of order (for me, cleaning routines are crucial).

2) Read to your children early and often. I am incredibly passionate about this.  As a mother, there are few things that give me greater satisfaction than our thrice-daily snuggle sessions with a giant pile of books.  A few things that I've found that make this work really well:  first, sit on the floor so that a younger child (shorter attention span) can wander back and forth between your lap and whatever else it is that they like to do.  Second, read at snacktime--again, little kids are more likely to stay put when their mouths are occupied.  And third (and I realize this may not be for every family), consider getting rid of your TV and putting some serious money in your children's library.  My husband (who grew up with a TV) often tells me that not having one in our home is the single best parenting decision we've ever made.  Period.

3) Take the time to teach your kids how to do things.  It takes longer, but it's worth it. Pretty self-explanatory, right?  Frustrating when you're teaching a three-year-old to fold towels; incredibly rewarding when your eight-year-old sweeps the floor after meals without even missing a beat.

4) Create with them--they will focus on your successes, won't know if you make a mistake, and be thrilled by the process.  My kids have never noticed the times that I forgot to put salt in the bread dough, or the crooked stitching on the appliqued pillows, or the fact that I am truly lousy with watercolors.  They just tell me "this is the best day ever!  I love this!"  It's the perfect time to experiment with anything.  I have learned to knit, sew, garden, bake bread, practice yoga, and make cheese with my children enthusiastically looking on and cheering for me no matter the outcome.

5) Have high expectations, and put in the time to help your child to achieve them--but let them try it first.  This can be a tricky one.  You don't want to push your kids too much, but you want to push them enough, right?  I've found that it is easiest for me to walk this fence when I am accessible to my children but not hovering.  If someone is practicing piano, I am quietly folding laundry nearby.  When they're doing homework at the kitchen table, I'm starting dinner.  It's the same principle that you start using when your kid is stacking blocks--you may hand them the block, you may even build a tower of your own, but you let them build their own tower.

6) Relationships are key. Sometimes it helps me to think about whether my response to a certain situation will make my child want to confide in me when they're 16. Do my actions show them that their opinions and feelings matter to me?

7) Go to bat for them, but make it clear that you also support other adults in their lives.  I'll never forget my daughter's reaction when she found out that I had called the transportation superintendent to relay my daughter's (justified) complaints about her bus driver.  She really felt like I cared about what she thought. Conversely, I'll never forget her reaction the first time she realized that I had talked to her teacher about what my daughter felt was an unfair disciplinary action (it wasn't) and that I was going to uphold the teacher.  It goes both ways.  My ultimate goal is threefold: to make my children feel like I always have their best interests and safety in mind, whether it is advantageous to them or not; that I care about what they think, whether I agree with it or not, and that--most of all--they are loved.

8) Serve vegetables first.  If you need to put sprinkles or a boatload of ketchup on something to get it to go from plate to mouth, don't feel guilty about it.  

9) Rewards for good behavior are always better than punishment for bad behavior.  It never ceases to amaze me how much kids will do for a star sticker on a piece of paper on the 'fridge.  Star charts can literally be your best friend.

10) Get outside.  I promise you, this is a magic cure for almost anything.  Plus, it keeps your house clean.

11) Don't do things that you hate but feel like you should embrace.  There is nary a speck of Play-Doh in my house and I don't feel one bit guilty about it.  I've never thrown a themed birthday party, my kids don't get baths every night, and I really love my yoga pants.

12) Keep learning.  Whether it's reading parenting books or other nonfiction (or my personal guilty pleasure, sci-fi or fantasy), taking a class, learning a skill you've always wanted to learn--whatever it is, keep yourself from stagnating.  Invest in yourself.  Your time to learn and reinvent yourself and be a fascinating person did not end when you finished your formal education.

13) Talk to your spouse. My husband and I have very different approaches to almost everything.  Sometimes it's easy for me to think that my way of doing things is the best way, because I'm the one that does that thing 99% of the time.  But you know what?  That man I married has some pretty darn good ideas, and my ideas get even better when I bounce things off of him.  It's been crucial for us to be on the same page about parenting decisions just as we would be about financial or career decisions.

14) Exercise, get enough sleep, and take time for yourself.  It took me far too long to learn that when I neglected myself, my entire family suffered, even though I thought I was being noble in my self-sacrifice. I always joke about how I'm a much better mom the longer I run, but it's true.  Recharging my own batteries makes me a much happier and healthier mother & wife.  Finding, developing, and nurturing talents & interests outside of my family has helped me to feel like motherhood is an important aspect of my life rather than an all-consuming (and draining) takeover of that girl that I used to be.  

15) Get down on the floor.  Early on in my mothering career, I realized that while I was spending every minute with my children, I wasn't very present.  Sure, I might be brushing the redressing the Barbie or helping with a puzzle, but I was also on the phone, or running off to answer an email, or half-heartedly responding to a (mostly one-sided) conversation while I washed the lunch dishes.  I started setting a timer for 30 minutes every day where I did whatever my kids wanted to do and gave it 100% of my full attention.  Voila!  I felt like an amazing mother--in just those measly 30 minutes--and my kids basked in the fact that I was doing nothing but playing with them.  And after the half-hour was up, either they were so involved in the game or ready to do something else that nobody yet has ever complained when I slipped away.