Marriage Month: An Interview with Sam of The Beesley Project

Today's interview is a little different because, rather than being solicited for help, Sam actually volunteered to answer my questionnaire. He noticed that my interviews were skewing heavily toward the female side and thought maybe a dude's perspective would be a good addition to the mix. And he's totally right!

Sam is one of my first internet-turned-real-life friends. He and I met via BYU's 100 Hour Board and I'm so glad we've been able to keep in touch over the years. Sam is the mastermind behind the Beesley Project. He has a remarkable mind, excellent writing skills, great taste in music, and is literally one of the funniest people I know. I snorted more than once while reading his responses here. Just wait. You'll see.

 ***

Tell us a little about your family. 

Tamsen and I met at BYU, like virtually everyone else in our peer group, although it's worth pointing out that I didn't ask her to marry me until literally the night after graduation, so I never fit the stereotype of the young married college student. (She had just finished her freshman year, so, you know, there's that stereotype.) We were married that next Christmas and almost seven years later, here we are, still married. Our daughter Edith was born about a year ago.

We're both from Oregon originally, and we got to spend two outstanding years there while I was in grad school in Eugene (ROLL DUCKS) until it was cruelly ripped away from us as a job offer came up in Tennessee. Neither of us is used to the hot and humid climate, the delicate flowers that we are, but we've made the most of it and are having fun exploring a whole new territory for us.

What made you first decide that Tamsen was "the one"?

Truth be told, I didn't really get a sense of that until after we were engaged. My previous few relationships had gone sour because I was coming on too strong about taking things to the next level by trying to have deep, profound, emotional talks about The Future and Where This Relationship Is Headed, so I resolved to play it cool when I met Tamsen. One night, I asked her if she had ever considered marriage. I did my best to make it clear that I certainly wasn't asking her to marry me, but just if she'd ever thought about it. So we both talked about it, clearly and relatively dispassionately, and we ended up falling over backward into an engagement. It didn't really feel terribly exciting, or romantic, but just sort of a natural outgrowth of the conversation.

The next morning, I woke up with one thought, and one thought only, in my head: WHAT HAVE I DONE. It wasn't that I didn't like Tamsen, but I worried that maybe I hadn't thought things through, and do I even know this woman, and I don't see no ring on this finger there's still time to get out of this. It passed, but some doubts still lingered. And then a couple of weeks later, she handed me a note in our apartment that just had a single word on it: some. Some? "Now you can tell people you got some from me," she said. My roommate, deeply impressed, asked if he could have some, too. She handed him a note, also with a single word: none.

Okay, being married to her could be pretty awesome, I thought.

Why is she still "the one"?

She makes me laugh in a way no one else can. Humor and jokes are really important to both of us, and finding someone that appreciated my sense of humor has been a blessing like nothing I could have imagined. She slipped me a note once in church, neatly folded in half. I opened it to find the words "YOU SMELL" in large, tidy print looking back at me.

She's kind, generous, loyal to her friends and family, creative, and adventurous, but it's the jokes that remind me every day that she's the one for me.

What do you love most about being married in general? What do you love most about your marriage specifically?

Being married is fantastic for tax breaks and regular access to smooches, but I think many people will agree with me when I say that the greatest thing about being married is no longer having to go on or plan first dates. Making awkward chit chat over frozen yogurt and mini golf is not a thing I miss in the slightest. Nor do I miss having to negotiate the minefield that is the doorstep scene at the end of a mediocre date. Do I give her a hug? A high-five? Fist bump? Aw man, do I have to kiss her? Nope, don't miss that a bit.

One thing I really like about our marriage is that I have someone to have meaningful conversations with. We get to have deep, engaging conversations about anything and everything without worrying about the other judging our opinions. We do the same thing while falling asleep, only those conversations tend to be infinitely more hilarious. So much so, in fact, that we kept a blog of them (http://sleepingwithsamandtamsen.blogspot.com) for a short while until I started falling asleep too quickly for us to have interesting things worth sharing anymore.

What is one of the most difficult things you've had to overcome in your marriage?

I'm a shy extrovert and Tamsen is an introvert, so meeting new people has been a challenge for us. We often end up at home evenings, each of us doing our own thing, and it can get a little lonely. We've had to make real efforts to step out of our shell to meet new people, find new things to do, or really anything at all to get us out of the rut. I think each of us had always been used to relying on others to make the first step in developing new friendships so we could slide in and get new friends, too. Now, the responsibility to break the ice is all on us. It's been hard for us, and it's still hard, but I think we're getting a little better.

What kinds of things do you do (or have you done) to strengthen your relationship?

I think we both just look for things to do for each other. She hates doing the dishes, so I wash them most nights. I hate doing laundry, so she usually does that. I think golden age musicals and girl power TV shows (looking at you, Gilmore Girls) are ridiculous, but I know Tamsen likes them, so I can sit down and watch them if I know it's going to make her happy. And she thinks sports of all kinds are a little silly, but she knows I love to watch and go to NBA games, so she'll tag along because she knows it will make me happy. We try to meet each other in the middle.

If you could give any marital advice, what would it be?

Gotta have good communication. We had some rough patches at the beginning of our marriage because things were bothering us that we wouldn't talk about. Once we learned to be open and trusting with each other, we could get past those things, or at the very least, we could realize that we had things to work on.  It's easy to fall into the trap of thinking that you aren't a good spouse unless you can anticipate your partner's every need and feeling. That's not realistic, and it's a huge relief to learn that it's not expected of me. If Tamsen wants a fur diamond for Christmas, she doesn't drop oblique hints about fur, or how a diamond might look nice on our shelf, she just tells me, "I would like a fur diamond for Christmas this year." And I tell her that we can't afford a fur diamond, and that she really might want to consider asking for something a little more affordable this year, like a used VHS copy of Con Air. It's all about communication.

***

HA! Sam and Tamsen, you guys must have so much fun together. I love it.

For me, that's the takeaway from this interview: don't take yourselves too seriously. Talk to each other, be willing to compromise, but above all else, laugh together! Every day! All the time! When it's totally inappropriate but you just don't care!

What do you think? How does Sam's perspective on marriage change your own? Or does it? Do you and your spouse have dumb inside jokes together too?

Thanks so much, Sam. You're a gentleman and a scholar.