Today's post is a slight change from the others we've had so far. Camille was married and divorced before she met her husband Jacob, so her perspective on marriage is a little different. Watching the two of them together, you'd never know that Camille once doubted that happy, loving marriages even exist. Her blog, Friday We're in Love, is a great resource for date ideas, as well as a good reminder that a little extra quality time with your spouse goes a long way.
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Tell us a little about your family.
We are Jacob and Camille Whiting, and this month we are hitting 3 and a half years of marriage. I can honestly say I’m shocked it’s been that long, we still feel like newlyweds and time flies when you’re having fun!
Jacob is an Engineer, he’s worked as an energy engineer, rocket cable designer (yep, I still call him The Rocket Scientist sometimes), and currently works as a solar and power designer/consultant. I’m an Interactive Project Manager for a web and app development agency, after leaving my career as a high school English teacher in pursuit of more money and a better environment.
We met at a cheesy church dance that neither of us wanted to go to, but decided we should be the wing-man and wing-woman to friends who did. I’ll never forget hearing someone say some witty, funny response to something I had said and me turning to be surprised to see a tall, cute guy, with the best smile I’ve ever seen as the culprit. Neither of us are romantics or believe in love at first sight, but we both admit we’ve never clicked with anyone so fast and we both were drawn to each other more than we’d ever been drawn to anyone before.
What first made you decide Jacob was "the one"?
I have a unique story, Jacob is my second husband. After being married to an abusive man who had many affairs and a pornography addiction my entire marriage, I naturally was a little jaded about the subject and no longer believed in it or wanted it after going through divorce. I honestly believed love just faded and everyone inevitably ended up complaining about their spouse and their life after about two years. I could only think of a literal handful of exceptions, and I told myself unless I was 100% convinced I’d be an exception there was no way in Hell I would ever even consider marriage again.
Here I am, a happily married soul 3.5 years later and I will attribute it all to Jacob being Mother Teresa in male form. I knew he was something special the more I got to know him. I would watch him leave parties on Saturday nights earlier than he’d like to get up for 6:00 AM meetings as a part of a bishopric he was serving in for church. I watched him work hard on projects at work, and stay late often having to cancel fun plans. He kept his word in everything he did. He was so honest that even if someone told a joke he didn’t understand he would (and still does say) “I seriously have no idea what that means/I don’t get why this is funny” when most people fake laugh and move on. I love this! Whenever anyone gossips he usually stops it immediately by saying things like, “They are probably just down on their luck” or offering a positive thing about the person. Not a judgemental bone in his body, he really sees the good in all things and all people.
I could see what an honest, dedicated, committed man he was to everything he took on. I could also see how much he loved and helped others. Just last week on a trip he took time out of dinner with friends to go buy a pizza for a homeless woman. He never ceases to amaze me, and the more I got to know him, the more I knew any girl that would be lucky enough to be his wife would be amongst the luckiest in the world. I still pinch myself when I think that I got to be this girl.
The night we talked about dating exclusively after almost a year of being very good friends, I spilled my guts about my previous marriage and all the baggage I was carrying, and how he really didn’t deserve that. After 2 hours of listening he just put his arm around me and said, “I’m sorry this was your life. But you didn’t answer my question, do you want to date me exclusively?” Most people probably would have rethought their offer and commitment level to broken soul in front of them, but Jacob never saw me as broken. He has always been in it 100% from the moment he suggested we date, and I knew he would always be the rock I would need to believe in love and to be happy in marriage.
Why is he still "the one"?
It’s cheesy, but the saying “Marry your best friend” is a cliche for a reason. I can’t believe how much we get along. We both have quirky senses of humor, and I seriously laugh so hard I cry most days because of him. We believe we were sealed for eternity when we were married in an LDS temple. I had a saying when I was a teen, “Eternity is a long time to be bored.” I think I was a wise soul back then to know what I’d need. There is never a dull moment! He matches me in humor, work ethic, spiritual dedication, respect, ambition, most political views, we’re close in intellect, but he probably wins. He’s brilliant and fun to talk to, and we’ve been lucky to be financial soulmates always agreeing when to save, splurge, or give. Seriously, we both get giddy when we hear the term “Roth IRA” and it’s quirks like that which remind us we were meant for each other.
We also had a moment our first summer married when my mom called kind of late at night, and I told her we’d decided to paint the kitchen that morning and we were going all night if needs be. She told, “I’m glad you married someone who matches your energy level!” I kind of laughed, but I’ve thought about this a lot through the years. I may have a little more energy than he does, but I’m a total busybody always into new projects, side jobs, and social endeavours. I’m glad I have someone who gets bored easily and loves to always be engaged in things too. So many couples love watching movies and TV together, but I’m grateful I married a man who would rather do things and go out together. We keep each other young and fun, we support each other’s dreams and goals, and we’re always experiencing new things together. I think this keeps us in love and avoiding the dread I had that we’d fall out of love or just become complacent like most couples seem to. Life is an adventure, and I’m lucky to be married to someone who feels the same!
And since I haven’t already said too much, oh wait, probably have- he makes me a better person. That is number one! I always want to improve to be worthy of this amazing guy.
What do you love most about being married in general? What do you love most about your marriage specifically?
The security and peace that it is forever is something you never quite have dating. We open up to each other with our deepest feelings, good and bad. There’s nothing like being able to say, “I’m pretty depressed about this.” and having someone just love and hug you and help you through it. You always have a partner and person on your team to support you during your highs and lowest lows. There is something so emotionally intimate about being married and committed forever, and it’s one of the most beautiful things in the world! I believe this bleeds into physical, and spiritual intimacy too. It’s truly incredible.
I love how intentional we are about our marriage. Jacob had to talk me into marriage and believing in it again, and when we first brought it up I let him know how worried I was we’d become business partners like most marriages and the spark would just die. We set some specific plans in motion to avoid this. One of the biggest is what sparked our blog- which shares our weekly date we go on no matter what. I always hated how everyone talked about how much work marriage is. And honestly, it is work, but it’s fun work! Spending the time and putting in the effort into your relationship yields results and dividends in ways you can’t imagine. I’m so grateful we made a pact about being intentional about dates, communication, and many other things before we got married, it has made all the difference!
What is one of the most difficult things you’ve had to overcome in your marriage?
We’ve had our share of difficulties and trials, but it’s amazing how you often don’t think about them due to the good and the happiness! Some of our big ones have been job layoffs and economic issues, a period of me working and going to grad school full time and never having time to see each other, health issues, fertility problems with all the emotional trauma and financial expense, and perhaps one of hardest has been family. We’re both from very, very large families who we love and feel blessed to have. We both have amazing parents. However, we’ve found we’re expected to go to a lot of family events that rob us of our time together. We’ve also found most our family members have very strong opinions on how life should be lived and we both often come away feeling judged from most of each other’s family events. We’re both middle children, and we’re often called in to help solve problems or take charge. We’re often happy to do it, but it’s also been a big challenge for us to figure out how to balance so many people in our lives, how to protect each other from our own family’s thoughts and opinions, and how to find time to see each other and still have relationships with so much family.
I will say through these we’ve found more happiness and it’s strengthened us, at least eventually! One of my favorite moments of our marriage was when we were having a hard talk after losing a job about how long we could pay our mortgage off savings, and when we’d have to put our house up for sale. It was tense, it was rough, but I finally turned to him and said, “Hey, there’s no one I’d rather be homeless with than you!” We both laughed, and he let me know he felt the same. And through most hard times we’ve always come out realizing that our relationship is first priority, and we’re a team.
What kinds of things do you do (or have you done) to strengthen your relationship?
I think a lot of spiritual things are first and foremost. We serve a lot in our church. We pray together every night. We attend the temple. We try to read scriptures together, and often when we start seeing more conflict we realize we’ve fallen out of at least one of these habits.
We go on a date every single week. We make sure there is a fun activity to look forward to and quality time to be had every single week. With how busy our lives are, this has made all the difference!
We also made a rule we can tell each other to put our phones down. We got iPhones after 2 years of marriage and instantly noticed we were more distracted and had less quality time together. We both started feeling less loved. We talked about it and now it’s a rule that either of us call the other out and be like- hey, phone away, I need your undivided attention. I know that sounds funny, but I really think media is tearing a lot of relationships apart, and being able to manage that makes a huge difference!
If you could give any marital advice, what would it be?
Two things:
We were advised to never speak ill of the other to other people. Don’t bag on them to your mom or friends, don’t say anything to put them down or embarrass them in public. You can feel that bad juju somehow. Always talk them up, say great things about them, and if you have a legit problem find one friend and only one friend to ask if you are out of line about it. Having that respect and saying kind things changes how you view each other and interact. Choose to be positive and complimentary!
Pray to be less selfish and aware of each other’s needs more. Every week stop and think of a way you can be less selfish and help your spouse. I think we’re so blessed and have such a happy relationship, and the root of this comes from selflessness. Jacob is way better at this than I am. He’s always sacrificing his time and comfort to help me. The good news is it’s contagious! Happiness and love comes from serving others, and when your spouse is #1 and you’re able to let go of some of your selfishness, it’s amazing how marriage just thrives and happiness and love increase for both parties!
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Some of my favorite things from her responses:
1) Yes, marriage is work, but it's fun work!
2) Remember to put your dang phone down...or remind your spouse that it's time for them to do the same! (This is something David and I have struggled with, and I'm sure we're not the only ones. We should implement a similar rule.)
3) Choose to be positive and complimentary! It reminds me of this post a couple weeks ago. When you are kind and loving, you are more attractive, and you'll definitely be more attracted to your spouse if you're constantly talking about all the things you love about them.
Thank you so much, Camille, both for sharing your thoughts and showing us how to inject a little fun into marriage!
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