Marriage Month: An Interview with Rachael of "My Foreign Sky"

As you already know, I've solicited some help from a few dear friends and bloggers I admire. I sent them each the same questionnaire about marriage, because I wanted to show how different a strong marriage can look from couple to couple. I realized as the replies started coming in, though, that there are quite a few common threads that seem to bind couples together. You'll see what I mean over the next few weeks. It's always nice to see what real relationships look like and learn from the good ones, don't you think?

I've known Rachael for what feels like forever. This isn't the first time she's guest posted for me (see her other post here) because I love the insights she brings to whatever topic is at hand. Her blog My Foreign Sky is a tribute to the effort she puts into her role as wife and mother. Plus, if I remember right, I was there for her first date with her husband (awkward third wheel much?) so these responses are extra fun for me to read!

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Tell us a little about your family.

My husband Neil and I have been married for twelve years--but it seems like just yesterday we were irresponsible newlyweds eating too much rice & going to midnight movies at the dollar theater! We have five children--Abigail is nine, Juliet is seven, Isaac is five, Luke is three, and our resident spitfire is 18-month-old Nathan. Neil is a whizzbang of a mechanical engineer and is finishing the last year of his doctoral degree at Purdue University. I mother full-time and teach tech writing part-time at Purdue (after our third baby was born I switched to teaching online classes, which means I can just grade in my pajamas after the kids go to bed).

What made you first decide that Neil was "the one"?

Way back in our dating days, Neil and I were talking about how we both didn't believe in the concept of there being a one and only perfect match, or soul mates, if you will. We are both united in believing that there are certainly specific people who would make you happier than others, but that ultimately your marital happiness depends on whether you keep the commitments you've made to one another--physical and emotional fidelity, certainly, but also genuinely putting the other person and your mutual goals ahead of your own interests.

With that said, when I met Neil I had dated so many different guys that I really had a pretty good idea of what I was looking for and what I wanted to avoid. He was the very first guy where I thought--this is it; it's not going to get any better than this because he is pretty much perfect for me. After our first date I went home and wrote in my journal that I'd met the guy I wanted to marry; we were engaged four weeks later and married in less than three months (I am not one to drag my feet when I make a decision!).

Why is he still "the one"?

Neil is the most selfless person I have ever met. He always, always, always puts everyone else ahead of himself. It's impossible to be angry with someone who lets you sleep in on Saturdays while he gets up with the kids, or who stays at his lab until 2 am because he came home for dinner & to play with the kids before bedtime. I don't know how he keeps going day after day, but he works so hard to make sure that I am happy. I just can't say this enough--his actions always make it clear that my happiness is more important to him than anything else. Marriage to him has been so incredibly good for me in terms of helping me to anticipate others' needs, to be more compassionate, and to be more forgiving. He's an amazing example.

What do you love most about being married in general? What do you love most about your marriage specifically?

My very favorite thing about marriage is the idea of this incredibly deep and lasting commitment you're making to another person--it's such an act of complete trust. You're giving them literally everything you can give to someone else and subsuming your own priorities and desires in order to focus on what is best for this new unit. One of my husband's mentors once told him, "Unity is more important than who is right," and that's been the guiding principle of our marriage. You're not two people; you're one unit, and you go forward as such. When my husband and I were first married I used to try to antagonize him when I was feeling grumpy, and he would just absolutely refuse to engage. It took a few years but I learned how to resolve our differences of opinion respectfully and in a way that was ultimately productive rather than damaging. 

What is one of the most difficult things you’ve had to overcome in your marriage?

The thing that has been most difficult for us is a seemingly unending doctoral program. When we started this journey we were so naive and believed all of the timelines that the graduate school laid out for us--hah! It's been very hard for me to have our family and our future dependent on something over which I have no control. I am a Type A person who is constantly multitasking and working to be the very best and the very first and the very fastest. Finishing my graduate program and moving across the country to concentrate on my husband's graduate program was absolutely devastating for me. I didn't know how to see intrinsic value in myself without extrinsic awards and praise.

We're at a point now where I am incredibly worried about our future but there is absolutely nothing I can do about any of it--it's all up to my husband. This is a huge, huge, huge heavy weight on him, and it's hard not just to feel powerless in my own right but also to feel powerless to help my husband with this awful burden. It's been and continues to be very difficult; really, the only way I can deal with it is to completely turn that timetable over to my husband and spend all my energy focusing on our family & trying to make this time a magical golden one for us, rather than a swampy slog of woe. It's been very humbling for me, but also so good for our relationship. My husband has a tendency to let me take the lead and it has been very transformative for our relationship and personal growth to have both of us operating in spheres where the other person is more naturally suited--the "logical" choice by far would have been for my husband to stay home with our children and for me to work. Choosing to do otherwise has been the best decision we've ever made--both of us have grown by leaps and bounds, but it hasn't been an easy process.

What kinds of things do you do (or have you done) to strengthen your relationship?

We have made a deliberate effort to carve out quality time with each other. As grad students with 5 kids, our budget to do this is limited, but we look at it as an investment whose dividends we will be reaping for years to come. We've done things on a smaller scale, like arranging babysitting so we can train for distance races together--those hours and hours of running together have allowed us to solve myriads of problems and make crucial decisions about our family trajectory! And we've done larger-scale things, like taking a two or three day vacation with just the two of us. I love these times--they are so good for us to reconnect as friends and spouses rather than somebody's parents.

My husband would also probably add that I keep him up way too late every night talking a million miles a minute, but I love the fact that we talk regularly about everything. We usually talk on the phone for fifteen or twenty minutes every day around lunchtime and these chats are always the highlight of my day. 

If you could give any marital advice, what would it be?

Let's go back to that idea of unity, shall we? That "unity is more important than who is right" is just so key. Stop thinking in terms of "me" or "he" or "she." It's "us." It's not my idea being better than his, or his plan for that extra $100 winning out over mine, or your parenting style being the one and only way. You're on the same team--be united. There's no victory if you leave the other person behind.

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David and I often talk about how we are on the same team, so I just love that last line: There's no victory if you leave the other person behind. So much truth there. I also appreciate her positive attitude about taking on roles to which the other person might be better suited. That could be a good opportunity for growth for any couple.

Have you ever had to take on a role that your spouse might have handled better? Do you think of your partnership as a team too?

Thanks for being willing to share with us yet again, Rach!