Marriage Month: An Interview with Kayla of "Freckles in April"

As I mentioned yesterday, I've solicited some help from a few dear friends and bloggers I admire. I sent them each the same questionnaire about marriage, because I wanted to show how different a strong marriage can look from couple to couple. I realized as the replies started coming in, though, that there are quite a few common threads that seem to bind couples together. You'll see what I mean over the next few weeks. It's always nice to see what real relationships look like and learn from the good ones, don't you think?

Today we get to read Kayla's responses. She is one of those marvelous people who you like just as much in person as you thought you would from reading her work online. She's brilliant and genuine and has a marvelously dry sense of humor, so of course I adore her. You may know her from her blog, Freckles in April, or her regular contributions to Babble's style column. Read what she has to say and I think you'll agree: she's pretty great.

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Tell us a little about your family.

Aaron and I are coming up on our 9th anniversary. We were one of those crazy couples you hear about who meets and gets engaged and then married in a very short period of time. It was 5 months and 11 days from the day we met (July 10, 2005) to the day we got married (December 21, 2005). It was insane but we still pat ourselves on the back over it! We've got 2 little boys (6 and 4) and a little girl due to join our family in October. 

Aaron is an engineer and started his own company in 2009. He's been working from home for 5 out of our 9 years of marriage and we love it! I write for Babble.com and have also done real estate and worked for a small online marketing company over the course of our marriage.

What first made you decide Aaron was “the one”?

It sounds a little (a lot) crazy but I knew from our first meeting. We met at church. We spoke briefly and then shared a hymn book as services began. Halfway through the hymn I heard a little voice in my head say, "You're going to marry that guy." I brushed it off as temporary insanity but, as it turns out, that little voice was right. It took him another week or two to figure it out but we were engaged shortly thereafter.

Why is he still “the one”?

Nine years in I can honestly say I want nothing more each day than to hang out with Aaron. We've been through a lot over the past year and I've never loved or appreciated him more. I just really really like that guy.

What do you love most about being married in general? What do you love most about your marriage specifically?

Aaron and I have both said how much we love being married because it's so much more comfortable and secure than dating ever was. Neither of us miss those days at all. It's so so nice knowing that you've got someone there who loves you and doesn't particularly mind whether or not you've showered that day. We're long past the point of trying to impress each other. As for our marriage specifically, we both have the same irreverent and slightly dirty sense of humor. Sometimes that means we're laughing at very inappropriate times but we're never laughing alone! We keep reminding each other that, at some point, our kids are going to be old enough to understand our humor and they're going to be horrified.

What is one of the most difficult things you’ve had to overcome in your marriage?

I mentioned that we met at church. We were both raised in the same very religious environment and got married under the assumption that we would continue to live that religious life together. About 4 years ago I started struggling with my faith but didn't bring it up to him until last year when it finally became an insurmountable issue for me. In January I decided I needed to move on from our church.

We've spent 8 years being more or less on the same religious page and then I went and switched books altogether. The past year has been very interesting as we've worked through my issues and my eventual decision to leave the church. It's not unheard of for people to divorce over this (I know several personally) and that was my greatest fear in coming clean about my doubts. Mercifully, although Aaron has struggled with my decision, we've managed to work through it in a very calm and loving way. It's probably been the most difficult thing we've faced in our marriage but we both feel that we've come out stronger because of it.     

What kinds of things do you do (or have you done) to strengthen your relationship?

The past year has driven home the importance of communication. Since Aaron works from home so we end up talking a lot throughout the course of the day. We talk a lot of fluff stuff and we laugh a lot but we also make time to talk about deeper stuff. We discuss religion. We check in with each other's feelings. We try to be very respectful when there are differences of belief or opinion. We ask thoughtful questions. I think that our ability to talk to each other is one of our greatest strengths.

If you could give any marital advice, what would it be?

Check your priorities and your expectations. Most disagreements we've had since we've been married have been because of unmet expectations or misplaced priorities. 

Voice your expectations. Your spouse is not a mind reader! If you expect him to empty the dishwasher and put away the laundry then make sure he knows exactly that. If you expect your spouse to plan a fancy date night for your anniversary, tell them. It sounds silly and obvious but it's an issue we've had and one I hear about all the time. You can't drop hints and then expect things to happen. It goes back to the importance of communication- TELL your spouse what you want and need and encourage them to do the same. 

Always prioritize your spouse. Make time together a priority. Make your physical relationship a priority. Make meeting their needs a priority. They come first always. You may adore your children but your time with them is fleeting. When they've left the house your husband will still be there so you need to make sure you're working NOW to build a relationship that will be a joy to you both when it's just you two!

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I absolutely positively one hundred percent agree with her advice about priorities and expectations! Most of my own marital frustrations have been because I had unrealistic expectations or mixed up--or misunderstood--priorities. She's so right: communication is crucial.

I also love love love that she suggests putting your spouse first, even before children. I know some people have mixed feelings on that advice, though. What do you guys think?

Thanks so much for sharing with us, Kayla!