Marriage Month: An Interview with Hope of "I Dream of Moose"

As you already know, I've solicited some help this month from a few dear friends and bloggers I admire. I sent them each the same questionnaire about marriage, because I wanted to show how different a strong marriage can look from couple to couple. I realized as the replies started coming in, though, that there are quite a few common threads that seem to bind couples together. You'll see what I mean over the next few weeks. It's always nice to see what real relationships look like and learn from the good ones, don't you think?

Today we're hearing from Hope. What can I say about Hope, other than I really really really like her? She's so unabashedly herself--which is to say she's a Disney geek and a geeky geek and an animal lover and a talented musician and a smart, opinionated, fabulous writer--and I think she's a delightful and gorgeous breath of fresh air. You can read more of her thoughts at I Dream of Moose, but for now let's see what she has to say about marriage.

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Tell us a little about your family.

We've been a family, just he and I, for a little over two and a half years now. No children yet but we did acquire a large furbeast who thinks he's a toddler and he's been mucking up our lives for about 9 months now. Mark and I went to the same high school (he graduating in '07 and I in '09) but I don't think we ever really met until my senior year. I was dating a friend of his so we all hung out at the same events, the same places, with the same people. That friend went on a mission and Mark jokingly "called dibs" (which, at the time, really stiffened my resolve to hate the guy), the fake permissions of which were returned in good humour. Turns out it wasn't such a joke.

What first made you decide Mark was "the one"?
 

I'm not sure I believe in the "one true soulmate" philosophy. I think that it's possible to love a multitude of people in that capacity. We all have our gal friends that feel like soulmates in their own right. And I've had enough family members and friends lose their own loved ones to find different but just as soulmate-y lovers and companions later in life to realize that this would be a very lonely world if we only had one chance for love. Basically I'm paraphrasing prince Henry's quandary by the lake with Leonardo. But that wasn't the question. 

I don't recall there being a defining moment that shouted from the heaven's, "he's the one!!" It just became an unquestionable fact that we would be spending the rest of our lives together and we merely had to designate a time to make it official. 

Why is he still "the one"?
 

Mark was and is my perfect counter weight. He unequivocally believes in me and my hopes, dreams, and aspirations. He never questions my capabilities. He pushes me beyond what I would believe for myself. But he also firmly grounds me in reality. He doesn't puff me up in pride or inflate a worthless balloonhead of ego in me; he keeps me humble. And I provide the same for him.

In addition, to most of the world, he usually comes off as quite the prickly porcupine. A bit of a cold shoulder. But the honest to goodness truth is that he is the silliest goofball I've ever known (and I've known a good plenty of those thanks to spending most of high school in the midst of choir and drama hooligans). I am constantly being dug from my stubborn "silent treatment" or otherwise foul mood and into a fit of unwilling giggles because he's just so good at getting me to laugh. I mean, the kid will randomly flop on the bed, head hanging off the edge and imitate a "velociraptor on a unicycle" complete with claw arms and prehistoric screeches. He's sweet and thoughtful and kind and good.

What do you love most about being married in general? What do you love most about your marriage specifically? 

Those things I just mentioned tie in a bit to what I love most about marriage and our marriage in particular. The camaraderie and inherited mantle of miraculous trust I assumed as a wife was an expected but not fully comprehended blessing that I received from marriage. Someone to laugh with, cry with, rant with, but also someone that can hear the words, "I just need to be alone for awhile," and they won't take it personally. They'll ensure that you get exactly what you need to recharge your batteries. To be the best person you can be. The person you want to be. Our humors blend so well together as well as our personality types that we understand each other in a way that is so beneficial and comforting.

My favorite aspect of our marriage are the glimpses of Mark's true personality that I, and only I, get to consistently and frequently enjoy. It feels like my own special secret that he has entrusted me with and I am so honored to have earned that spot in his life.

What is one of the most difficult things you’ve had to overcome in your marriage? 

We haven't always had this beautiful, symbiotic balance of love and laughter. We had to learn the signs of when the other gets burnt out, how much space the other needs, how to ask for what we want in recognizable terms (not just hints and vaguely veiled gestures). We had to learn how to communicate in a way that the other could understand.

What kinds of things do you do (or have you done) to strengthen your relationship?

We often find ourselves having deep heart-to-hearts long into the night going over what we feel works, what we find hasn't been so great, and what we think could be a good shot at a solution. The amount of hypotheses we come up with that have failed probably outnumber the successful ones, but it sure does bolster the aching heart to know that genuine effort is being made. We always feel better having said, "maybe this will fix it?" and find that it didn't quite do the job rather than, "this still sucks and we're still not doing anything about it."

If you could give any marital advice, what would it be? 

My advice has always been and will always be the incredible importance of Communication; if that hasn't been apparent enough throughout answering these questions. And not just making your thoughts heard. Compromising the ways we communicate was important as well. I had to let Mark know that I won't stand for it when he speaks sharply at me while I'm helping him fix cars, even if his anger is inwardly solely directed at the insubordinate tools. He had to tell me that pseudo-interventions made him feel stifled and uncooperative. And so we adapt.

It helps no one to leave things unattended that won't blow over easily. You must speak up when there is a problem. But there is a delicate and often wavering line that you have to constantly define and redefine that determines what to make a fuss over and what to just shrug off and remind yourself that you love them and they love you.

And lastly, honestly, there really is never a wrong time to tell somebody you love them. While they're brushing their teeth and a foamy blob of saliva is leaking out of the corner of their mouth. When you're sitting on the couch and just thumbing through Instagram. When they're on the toilet. When you're in the car and there's a moment of silence (if there's a moment of silence...if there isn't a moment of silence!), or you're cooking dinner together, or in the middle of an argument, just never hold back the words "I love you" because you never know when they may need to hear it or when you may need to say it. 

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Such good stuff in here. This bit describes exactly how I feel about David: "My favorite aspect of our marriage are the glimpses of Mark's true personality that I, and only I, get to consistently and frequently enjoy. It feels like my own special secret that he has entrusted me with and I am so honored to have earned that spot in his life." And what she says about not just communicating but the way in which you are communicating? Spot on.

Does anything she said stand out for you?

Thank you so much for sharing, Hope!